[So, I quietly placed my heart in your hands. Over the changing seasons, my feelings for you grew silently.
[I never thought it was sinful. On the contrary, I thought it was sacred.
[One of my favorite teachers once told me that no one lives in this world completely alone. There are so many people in this world, and each person is connected to others in some way. These tiny threads of connection form the web of relationships that
tie us to the world.
[She gave an example, saying everyone has parents, and the bond of familial love between us and our parents is our connection to the world. Unfortunately, I don’t have parents. I only have you, Uncle Murphy.
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(I don’t have a lover either. I only have you. I don’t even have many friends. I only have you. Uncle Murphy, you are my only
connection to this world.
[I once stood at a crossroads, watching the crowds rush by. This city was filled with people, yet to me, they were all strangers. Only you were different, Uncle Murphy. You held me when I was cold, comforted me when I was scared, bought me cake and gifts on my birthday, and sat beside me to make wishes and blow out candles.
[Uncle Murphy, you always said my feelings for you were distorted, that they were unnatural. Evangeline even called me mentally unstable. But how could I not love you?
[When my mother could no longer endure my father’s relentless control, when she raised the knife against him, when she smiled as she hung herself from the beam, when my world began to crumble inch by inch–it was you, Uncle Murphy, who carried me out of that collapsing world.
[You told me my father loved my mother, but he didn’t know how to show it. You told me my mother loved me too, but she couldn’t control herself. She was afraid she’d hurt me, so she left first and entrusted me to you, asking you to take care of me.
[So why could you understand my father’s distorted love for my mother but not accept my love for you?
[Well, this isn’t a question that needs an answer.
[You don’t need to respond, Uncle Murphy. I’m only saying this so you know that, in my heart, loving you has been the most sacred thing I’ve ever done. Even if you don’t understand or accept it, I hope you won’t reject it so harshly.
[Please don’t find me disgusting, and please don’t hate me. Even if, centuries from now, technology advances and cancer can be cured, please don’t thaw me.
[Uncle Murphy, you were my only connection to this world. Now, that connection is gone. I no longer care about the outside world. I’ve returned to my ‘wardrobe.‘ This is where I belong–small, enclosed, and safe.
[I’m going to sleep a long, long sleep, and I don’t expect to ever wake up again. Before I drift off, let me offer one last blessing to the person I love most. Uncle Murphy, I wish you a happy marriage. May the rest of your life be filled with happiness,
contentment, and no regrets.
[So much love, Gemma.]
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