Never a Substitute–1
Sebastian’s POV
I jolted awake, sunlight piercing directly into my face. I groaned in agony, my head pounding like someone was using it as a fucking drum.
Slowly, I realized I was in Damien’s house. This had always been our arrangement–I had a room at his place, and he had one at mine.
Groaning, I got up and walked to the bathroom. Turning on the shower, I stood under the water with my hands braced against the wall, trying to sort through my jumbled thoughts. I barely remembered what happened last night beyond the drinking. How the hell did I
even get here?
After realizing I loved Thea, I went straight to the club. I rarely got drunk. Since Leo’s
›irth, I’d promised myself I’d never get wasted again. Usually, one or two drinks were
nough. But yesterday, I really needed the alcohol. I desperately needed it.
The pain I felt had no antidote. No fucking cure. How do you deal with realizing you’re in ove with the woman you once hated? The same woman you spent seven years hurting?
sighed, stepping out of the shower feeling like I’d never been more of a mess.
fter getting dressed, I went downstairs to find Damien eating breakfast.
Where’s the housekeeper?” I asked.
She made breakfast and left. Said she wanted to get to the market early for fresh
egetables.”
How are you feeling?” Damien asked as I poured myself coffee.
Like I got hit by a truck.”
esterday’s realization made part of me want to rush back to her house immediately and :ll her. I would have done it if rationality hadn’t won out. It was too soon to tell her–she ouldn’t believe me anyway.
1 never been afraid before, but with this new realization, I was fucking terrified. Is this
Never a Substitute–1
how she felt? Loving me while knowing I hated her?
“About yesterday,” Damien began, “I thought you swore you’d never get drunk again.”
“I know, but I needed it, needed to numb the pain. You can’t understand how hard it is to realize I love Thea. All this time I’ve brought her nothing but pain. Knowing I might have lost any chance with her because I couldn’t let go of my resentment is suffocating.”
Every time I picked up Leo and saw her frown at me in disapproval, I pretended not to notice. Or when she sometimes looked at me with hatred and resentment in her eyes.
I ignored it, tried not to let it affect me because I craved her. I followed her around like a fucking lost pup, begging for any attention she’d give me. Even the bitter kind, I accepted it because it was the only way to be near her.
I never considered what she went through at my hands. Her coldness now was nothing compared to what I’d done to her. Yet it still fucking hurt. How did she endure me for
those seven years?
She wanted nothing to do with me, wished I’d disappear from her life forever. I wanted to give her that because she deserved better, but no matter how fucking hard I tried, I couldn’t let go.
“How did this happen? Last time we talked, you were certain you loved Aurora,” Damien looked completely lost.
“Yeah, but weren’t you the one who kept insisting I had repressed feelings for Thea?”
I remembered how adamant he was about it. Even after countless times I told him I didn’t love Thea, he wouldn’t give up. I guess he knew me better than I knew myself. He saw what I refused to acknowledge.
“My gut told me you loved Thea, and don’t you remember, your wolf and my wolf, they communicate. But your insistence sometimes made me doubt that maybe we were wrong.”
I sighed. “They and you were right. My only wish is that I’d realized it sooner. Maybe then it would be easier to fix what I destroyed.”
I stared into space. Lost in painful memories. Memories where I had her, but I didn’t cherish her, I broke her instead. My actions and words slowly ate away at her heart until
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Never a Substitute–1
there was nothing left.
“Honestly, I really don’t want to be in your shoes,” Damien whistled, and I glared at him. “But you still haven’t answered me. I want to know when it happened? When did you fall
in love with her?”
“I don’t know. I can’t pinpoint the exact moment. Maybe while we were still married, or maybe it was recent. I just know I love her now.”
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I ran my hand through my hair. I felt frustrated and scared. Mostly because the timing of this realization was so fucking bad!
“I think it was always there. Probably after Leo was born. I also think you didn’t allow yourself to love her because you were hung up on memories of Aurora. She was your first
love, so you chose her as your mate, believed she was your true love. It’s not possible to live with someone for seven years and feel nothing for them. I know you, Seb. If you didn’t
have feelings for her, you wouldn’t touch her at all.”
“Sex is a biological need, even more so for werewolves. I was just getting what I needed
from her while still hating her. I’m ashamed to admit it, but sometimes I imagined she was Aurora,” I told him, feeling sick about my attitude toward her.
“Really? Did you imagine you were having sex with Aurora because you missed her, or because you needed something to hold yourself back? Something that would keep you from enjoying the intimacy with Thea because you felt enjoying sex with her would betray the memory of Aurora that you were holding onto?”
I sat on the stool, completely dumbfounded.
I’d never thought of it that way. I admitted I was attracted to her; otherwise, how could I
explain being able to get it up for her?
Maybe Damien was right, I used Aurora as an excuse to escape my true feelings for Thea.
In my mind, I had already betrayed my ideal lover once; how could I betray her again and again by sleeping with Thea and enjoying her body? It all made sense at the time, but
now I was starting to realize that maybe Aurora was never the right one for me.
“Fuck. I completely messed up,” I said loudly, feeling the heavy burden on my shoulders.
“Do you still love Aurora?” he asked, and I shook my head no.
“Are you sure? Has all your love for her completely disappeared?” I thought for a minute before answering.
“Yes. When she first came back, I thought it would be our second chance. It took some time to realize it all felt wrong. I wouldn’t even let her kiss me.”
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“That should have been my first clue that I had no feelings for her anymore. Plus my jealousy towards Kane.”
I couldn’t begin to explain the rage I felt every time I imagined Thea with Kane. It was an all–consuming, irate emotion.
“I think you realized your feelings for her after losing her. Seeing her happy with another male awakened the love you had suppressed. Your obsession with Aurora seven years ago was because of the sudden ending between you two. Neither of you got any closure. That’s why you both held onto each other’s memories for so long.”
I understood what he was saying, and it definitely made sense, but it didn’t help my situation. Too much damage had already been done. I’d said things that could never be taken back. Done things that would forever be imprinted in her mind. I’d destroyed her
with my own hands.
“What are you going to do?” he asked after a while.
“I don’t know. I was blinded by Aurora before, but not anymore. Thea is perfect, and she can have any male she wants. Leo made it clear that there are already wolves circling
around her.”
I felt utterly demoralized. What was there to stop her from falling in love with someone
else?
She wasn’t just beautiful but smart, caring, kind, and loving. She had a heart of gold and loved deeply. Any male would be lucky to have a she–wolf like her.
mean, she even changed Kane. I saw it in his eyes. From initially wanting to kill her without remorse to falling in love with her. How incredible is that? I was such a stupid
fool not to realize the treasure I had.
Damien patted my shoulder. “I’m sure you’ll figure out something. I have faith in that.”
I wish I could have as much faith in myself as he did, because deep down, I knew I didn’t
deserve her, and my greatest fear was losing her to someone who truly deserved her love.
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